Men and Women ( a small analysis )

Men:

************


1. All men are extremely busy.

************


2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.

************


3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.

************


4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.

************


5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

************


6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.

************


7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

************


Women:
************

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
************

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
************

3.. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
************

4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
************

5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
************

6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
************

7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Appraisal ;-)

One day, a project leader was asked to submit a review of one of his
employees. He wrote the following

Bob Jones, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,

Project Leader

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo
From the project leader:


Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered
lines for my true assessment of him.

Regards, Project Leader

Letter is from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill

Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found
some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We
request you to check this.
2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked
'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that
to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.
3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system?
I
find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife
lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find'
button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn
'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is
only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will
provide the remaining items?
7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is
noteven a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my
photo in that.
8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT
HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
9. You provided "My Recent Documents". When you will
provide "My Past Documents"?
10. You provide "My Network Places". For God shake please
do not provide "My Secret Places". I do not want to let my
wife know where I go after my office hours.
Regards,
O
Banta.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Husband to wife: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

EXECELLENT CALCULATION….. YOU MUST READ…..

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;



My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.



Manager:- How many days are there in a year?

Man:- 365 days and some times 366



Manager:- how many hours make up a day?

Man:- 24 hours



Manager:- How long do you work in a day?

Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.



Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)



Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)



Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man:- No sir



Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days



Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man:- 18 days.



Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man:- 4 days



Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 2 days sir!



Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 1 day sir!



Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- None sir!



Manager:- So, what are you claiming?

Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realize that

I was stealing Company money all these days.

Interesting Notice, Enjoy these

On a Toilet door
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

They Call Them Indian's

How To Approach A Gal

How To Get A Gal - Watch more funny videos here

This is an Awesome Video on how to ask out a gal. This is actually a reality of life. Girls are mean and they are selfish. She how you can ask them out.

Cheers

Worlds Biggest Idiots

Find the biggest idiots on earth but i should tell you be ware from this kid of dumb people it is contentious and you can be dumb too.

Words Women Use...

1.)
Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.



2.)
Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.




3.)
Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.


4.)
Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


5.)
Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)


6.)
That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a wom an
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


7.)
Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.


8.)
Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!


9.)
Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!


Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can
avoid if they remember the terminology.

Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh,
cause they know it's true.

!!!Types of Marketing!!!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.


You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.



You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, and offer her A ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.




You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..I want to marry you"
That's Brand Recognition.



You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback !!!!!

Mood of Man & Woman!!

The Moods of a Woman:

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

The Moods of a Man :

Hungry. Horny. Sleepy.

Difference Between Love And Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac.

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don t you think you ve had enough!".

Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"

Thats Really Funny

HUMOROUS HRD NOTICE OF A COMPANY TO ALL EMPLOYEES

[ A circular was found in one of the office notice boards ]

Dear STAFF ,
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.



____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___
1) TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

2) ANNUAL LEAVE :
Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).
- They are called SUNDAYs.

3) LUNCH BREAK:
a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

4) SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

5) TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

6) SURGERY :
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

7) INTERNET USAGE :
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges
will be deducted from your salary.
- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ____




Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Best regards,
HRD

5 Rules For Student

1) Never make noise in class respect the fact that others are sleeping.

2) Keep the college clean so stay away.

3) Take some fruits for the animals in the staff room.

4) Always take books cos u dnt get pillow to help u sleep well.

5) Never be early to class or else no one will notice u.

Diffrence Between Men And Women (While Talking)

TWO WOMEN TALKING

============ ========= ========= ====


Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!


Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?


Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.


Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent
my long neck.


Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.


Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. ............ ......... .


............ ......... ......... ......... .....
....
....
....
.....
.....
....
....
....
....



NOW TWO MEN TALKING

============ ========= ========= ========


Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.

Blonde Jokes

A blond decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?” The blond replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’”

Blonde's Wish

Dear Alcohol

First let me say that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).

However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls and text messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex’s? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever), the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

What'd You Think?

Hey Make sure you go through My birthday Bash.

My Birthday Bash

Friends Visiting Me on Birthday


I had a party Last week, where i have invited some friends from India. The above picture is one picture they took while visiting me. They were too sweet they have got too many sweets and gift for me. All of them are so friendly that did not want to travel differently even thought they compromised with 2 Trucks..

One of My Girl Friend Was not Able To Visit.

One of my Girl Friend met an accident when she was parking on the bridge, but please don't ask me how she did this. I like to request you please don't laugh on her driving as if you laugh on her you will laugh on every female who drives as every girl drives the same. See below one of the girl in my party parked her car.



One of My Gift i got on my Birthday.


I love my Gift, i kept his name as chotu.